my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
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*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor