shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
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Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.