I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
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Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead