It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
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[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Ooh I do like a good funnel
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.