I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
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I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.