Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
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[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.