[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
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I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
When they try to steal your moment.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Taking phone security to the next level.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”