What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
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SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
did it work
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
*swipes right on my hand mirror
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I want this so bad