I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
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People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Sing it!
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.