The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
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Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.