Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
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And then there were 4
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.