sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
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BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
this is the greatest thing ever
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away