Finally!
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It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
peeping toms
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me