Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
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*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put