Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
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*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait