I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
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Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt