One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
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[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.