*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
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Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
yea so i messed up lol
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.