TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
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I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
john wicks are toilet candles
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills