3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!