[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
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I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Breaking news:
This is my bus stop.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.