When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
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I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.