Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
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Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Sex so good you see dead people.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Thanks to a fan for this one.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.