a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
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Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
If only.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.