Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
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Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.