Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
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[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.