I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
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What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.