Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
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Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?