me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
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As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I hope they boil the right one.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.