What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
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I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*