We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Ovenable?
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”