Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃