Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
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Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.