I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
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Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…