Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
You Might Also Like
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.