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Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario