Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
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I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Just a reminder, folks:
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.