*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
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I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Noah
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”