I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
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You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.