One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
You Might Also Like
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
A classic…
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.