I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
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If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
More like Kate Missington.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
New mindset, who dis?
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*