Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
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It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*