At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
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where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
oh you wanna fight?!
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.