[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
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If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
pelicons
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”