my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
You Might Also Like
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”