transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
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My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!