My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
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I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
“Wait, let me explain..”
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Watson was Holmes schooled