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I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
The Others (2001)
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.