Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
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When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I’ve had worse
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…