WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway